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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23854894">i almost do</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/lesbianmorgwen/pseuds/lesbianmorgwen'>lesbianmorgwen</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Merlin (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Based on a Taylor Swift Song, F/F, F/M, First Kiss, Songfic</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-04-26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-04-26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-02 21:34:52</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,356</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23854894</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/lesbianmorgwen/pseuds/lesbianmorgwen</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>A morgwen fic based on the song 'I Almost Do' by Taylor Swift. It's very angsty I'm sorry.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Gwen/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin), Gwen/Morgana (Merlin)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>19</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>i almost do</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em> I bet </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> This time of night you're still up </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> I bet </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> You're tired from a long hard week </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> I bet </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> You're sittin' in your chair by the window </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> Looking out at the city </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> And I bet </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> Sometimes you wonder 'bout me</em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>    Gwen cried Morgana's name when she entered the room and ran forward to embrace her. Gwen's cheeks were wet with tears.</p>
<p>    "I was so worried."</p>
<p>    Morgana had been kidnapped by bandits. Two days, a rescue mission, and a lot of tears on Gwen's part later, she was returned to Camelot.</p>
<p>    Morgana pulled away to hold Gwen's face in her hands.</p>
<p>    "Hey, I'm fine. You know I can look after myself. And I'll always come back," Morgana paused. "To you."</p>
<p>    They stood for a few seconds, just gazing at each other, until Morgana finally moved forward and pressed a soft kiss onto Gwen's lips. Gwen returned the kiss fiercely and tangled her hands in Morgana's messy hair, while Morgana encircled Gwen's waist with her arms and pulled her closer.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> And I just wanna tell you </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> It takes everything in me not to call you </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> And I wish I could run to you </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> And I hope you know that every time I don't </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> I almost do </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> I almost do </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>    "Morgana's gone," Merlin told Gwen, shortly after she'd woken up.</p>
<p>    "Gone? What do you mean gone?" Gwen demanded. She could feel panic rising in her.</p>
<p>    "She's disappeared. No one knows where she's gone." He hesitated. "Or if she's even alive."</p>
<p>    Time seemed to slow down as he said that. Gwen refused to accept the possibility that Morgana could be dead. They were meant to have so much time together. She stood up suddenly.</p>
<p>    "Well we've got to go and look for her then. She's got to be somewhere."</p>
<p>    Merlin placed his hand gently on Gwen's arm.</p>
<p>    "There's a search party out already Gwen. If she's out there, they will find her."</p>
<p>    The room started to spin, so Gwen sat back down. For a few moments, everything was blank and empty. Then it all flooded back in and Gwen began to sob.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> I bet </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> You think I either moved on or hate you </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> 'Cause each time you reach out there's no reply </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> I bet  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> It never ever occurred to you </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> That I can't say "Hello" to you </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> And risk another goodbye </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>    Morgana had been cold since she returned to Camelot after her disappearance. Gwen wanted to ask her what had happened, but Morgana didn't talk to her anymore. She'd become short tempered and often snapped at Gwen out of nowhere, and Gwen was starting to grow sick of it.</p>
<p>    "You can leave now Gwen," Morgana declared.</p>
<p>    "I'm nearly finished, my lady," Gwen said as she smoothed Morgana's bed covers</p>
<p>    "I told you to go!" Morgana shouted.</p>
<p>    Gwen straightened and returned Morgana's glara with a look of confusion.</p>
<p>    "Are you alright, Morgana?"</p>
<p>    "I'm perfectly fine, not that it's any of your business. Now get out."</p>
<p>    Gwen was taken aback by Morgana's harsh tone, but she did as she said. She was more certain than ever that something was wrong, and she was becoming increasingly worried that the Morgana she'd known, the Morgana she'd loved, had gone.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> And I just wanna tell you </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> It takes everything in me not to call you </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> And I wish I could run to you </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> And I hope you know that every time I don't </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> I almost do </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> I almost do </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>    "How could you do this? How could you take his side?" Morgana screamed.</p>
<p>    She stood in front of the throne - her throne - with her crown on her head. But she wasn't happy. Far from it. She felt like her entire universe was collapsing just because of the way that Gwen was looking at her.</p>
<p>    "This is not you, Morgana. Can't you see? You used to be so kind and brave. You used to care," Gwen replied, her voice shaking slightly.</p>
<p>    "I still care," Morgana snapped. And then her voice softened, "I care about you."</p>
<p>    "You do not."</p>
<p>    "I do. I love you."</p>
<p>    Morgana expected Gwen to smile, to run to her and kiss her, but instead she looked upset, angry, and her eyes filled with tears.</p>
<p>    "I do not even know who you are anymore, Morgana."</p>
<p>    Morgana felt something inside her snap, and without thinking she used her magic to throw Gwen backwards, right through the door of the throne room.</p>
<p>    Gwen was wrong. She did care. And now she would show Gwen that breaking her heart was the worst mistake she'd made.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> Oh, we made quite a mess, babe </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> It's probably better off this way </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> And I confess, babe </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> In my dreams you're touching my face </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> And asking me if I wanna try again with you </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> And I almost do </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>    Morgana's fingers traced the side of Gwen's face, tucking a piece of her hair behind her ear as they did so, until Morgana finally rested her hand on Gwen's cheek. Gwen smiled and brought her hand up to intertwine her fingers with Morgana's. And then Morgana began to close the distance between them.</p>
<p>    Gwen woke just before their lips touched. It took her a moment to remember where she was. A pair of strong arms held her close to a warm body. But it was not Morgana, and as Gwen looked at Arthur's face, still fast asleep, she felt guilty that she wished it was.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> And I just wanna tell you </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> It takes everything in me, not to call you </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> And I wish I could run to you </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> And I hope you know that every time I don't </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> I almost do </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> I almost do </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>    "Come back to me," Morgana said, softly.</p>
<p>    "You haven't given me much choice in that, considering you kidnapped me," Gwen replied, glaring at the other woman.</p>
<p>    They sat at a table in a cold, unwelcoming castle, untouched plates of food in front of them.</p>
<p>    "I know it's hard to believe, but I love you Gwen. You're all I want. I would not care about the throne, or Arthur, or magic if I had you," Morgana pleaded. </p>
<p>    "You did have me. And you lost me. I do not love you anymore," Gwen replied. One of her statements was a lie.</p>
<p>    "No. You love my lovely brother instead," Morgana said with a scowl, "Yes, I heard all about the wedding."</p>
<p>    "Why am I here, Morgana? Because if this is your way of trying to win me back, it's not working."</p>
<p>    Morgana's gaze grew darker, and though she didn't show it, Gwen was scared. Years ago, she had known Morgana better than herself. She could have predicted her reactions to anything before they happened. But now she had no idea what Morgana would do, or what she was capable of, and it terrified her.</p>
<p>    Morgana stood up and threw the table across the room with magic, before striding out the room.</p>
<p>    Several hours later, Arthur arrived with the knights, and Gwen happily buried herself into his arms. And although she didn't make an appearance, Gwen knew that Morgana was watching.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> I bet </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> This time of night you're still up </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> I bet </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> You're tired from a long hard week </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> I bet </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> You're sittin' in your chair by the window </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> Looking out at the city </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> And I hope </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> Sometimes you wonder 'bout me </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>    Gwen could barely breathe. She wasn't sure how she'd ended up sitting in front of a fire, or who'd lit the fire. Merlin's words echoed in her mind.</p>
<p>    "I'm sorry. He's dead. And so is Morgana."</p>
<p>    Gwen reached for the nearest object, a vase, and threw it violently into the wall. She was crying. She couldn't remember when she'd started crying. She also couldn't remember when Merlin had left the room, or even if he had left the room. Everything was a blur.</p>
<p>    She wondered if she could have done anything different. Maybe early on, she could have protected Morgana from Morgause. She could have joined her and changed her mind, brought her back to the light. And then she wouldn't be dead. And they could be happy. And Arthur wouldn't be dead.</p>
<p>    And Gwen wouldn't be on the floor, alone, crying.</p>
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